Archive for September, 2010

Seize me

Friday, September 10th, 2010

I am, as I write this, in the process of ‘aborting a seizure’ as my neurologist calls it. You are joining us in the middle of the process. To recap, I woke with an unidentifiable restlessness. After drifting around the margin of sleep for a while, hoping to recover a dream state that was not broken. Dreams in this pre-seizure state (named that because it always has led to a seizure without the intervention of ativan), those dreams do not float effortlessly and insightfully through the landscape of dreams, but tend to move erratically and crash into and drag against the thoughts and memories that hang like spectators around the walls of the dream space, they catch on these things and get stuck. They can’t progress. The underlying dysfunction is causing a persistent anxiety that won’t pass away into resumed sleep. The dream state is unable to function, clogged and congested with snagged and crashed dreams that litter the dreamway.

Caused by the same underlying dysfunction that messed up the dreams, are the physiologic manifestations producing an imperitive to void both the bowels and the stomach. The insistence and urgency of this physiological response modulates in direct match to the degree of underlying CNS disfunction. On rare occasions the shit and vomit came totally involuntarily and instantly in whatever situation I found myself; usually in bed.

That did not happen this time. Not in Bed.

Back to recapping todays events, when it became clear that today’s mild episode was was escalating, I took 4 0.5mg of Ativan sublingual. This constituted throwing a wet blanket on those clearly misbehaving elements in my brain. This agitated the misbehaving ones even more. Eventually, the underlying seizure activity increased rather than decreased–focal seizures I think they are called-. As they seemed likely to break through that first wet blanker, I placed another wet blanket of 4 Ativan 0.5mg on top, which left them mostly grumbling but resigned for now. And am close to nodding off uncontrolably, and the connection to my motor controls is no longer broadband speed, but now is more like a 14.4 dialup

This is probably the point at which the abortive attempt is complete. I am getting groggy, have difficulty typing the right letters, and am basically no more useful than if I’d actually had a seizure, except I didn’t lose consciousness, didn’t void uncontrollably from either end, And didn’t dislocate my left shoulder (which it wants to do whenever I seize). Not to menmtion all the muscles, and I mean ALL the muscles that each would have been strained beyond its limits, leaving large amounts of adenosine triphosphate loaded in the muscle tissue, causing pain for days, some damage to the tissue, and oddly enough, also causing new muscle growth.

Now safe from a seizure, but semiconscious, I will retire to the bed. And the dreams are finding their way unencumbered once again.

I tried.

The Limitless

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Being enlightened is a heavy burden, you know.  I mean, everybody wants to know, and the instant you start to say something enlightened, all the attention swings over toward you.  Like a million watts (or so it seems) of spotlighting focuses on your ‘shy’ little ego and, loving attention, your ego barges into the spotlight all loud and obnoxious.  In a breath, the enlightenment is swept away. 

And then it is gone. 

It is gone so fast that even you do not know for sure that you ‘had it’.  It is only through permanent isolation that you ever get an inkling that you are, in fact, enlightened.  This may be why ascetic monks were so ascetic.  It kept others away.  It maintained isolation, denying attention to the voraciously attention-seeking ego.  But that just made them unhappy.  Worse, it defeated the purpose; the ego became the center of dark instead of bright attention.  The ego was still the center. 

So enlightenment becomes not a state of joy, but the opressively stuffy and overbearing presence of the ego, penetrated only by rare and faint breaths of joy, just to remind you that the air is nice—somewhere else. 

It happens at parties.  You feel a need to go off alone with your drink, onto a porch or patio away from the crowd.  The stars.  The lesser noise.  Something stirs, rises.  It begins to awaken, recovering from its deep sleep.  It is still, watching.  Present. 

And then someone joins you.  People do this almost instinctively.  They see one separating from the group, wandering off alone, and something in them detects the possibility of enlightenment emerging from its ego-imposed opression.  They are drawn to this in their soul.  But also, their own egos seek to dominate that emerging enlightenment.  Enlightenment anywhere is a threat to the ego everywhere. 

I do not know what may happen next.  I only know what has always happened everytime I have been there.  The ego reasserts itself, and reality—as we know it, through our egos—resumes its disinterested opression of the limitless.  Sometimes, if alcohol is being consumed for example, it takes the ego a few moments to regain control.  From the interim some evidences may be remembered of what else there might be beyond what the ego allows.  Finally, enlightenment is reinterred, stomped firmly down by the obnoxious ego, until some other random opportunity comes for it to emerge. 

But this I know; the limitless waits.  Eternally opressed and abused, it holds no grudges.  It asserts itself never.  It waits to be called, and it never fails to respond.  That call is going out always, from somewhere deep inside, where the ego cannot go.  The limitless is, really, all there is.