Archive for April, 2008

awakening

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Well. I went shopping, bought a laptop.

I have a talent for achieving the least with the maximim amount of effort. For example, I am presently being persued by a spiritual imperative, like an alarm clock going off which I am trying to sleep through. The purpose of my sleep is no longer for sleep’s sake,it’s purpose has become the avoidance of the spiritual awakening. So to help me stay asleep, I went shopping—the illusion here of travel outside of my home is purely figurative, since by ‘went shopping’ I merely mean that I surfed to a website and made a purchase—and I bought the most absurdly unnecessary (for me) thing which I could find. A laptop.

I live in a studio. I go nowhere. Since returning from work Sunday night, I have not ventured further than a few feet from the two computers which I already have at home. Besides, if I ever do go somewhere, the last thing I will take is a brand new laptop for fear it will break or get stolen.

So, ‘shopping’, which I disparaged in my last entry, is now employed by me as diversion. And no wonder, there is much from which I seek diversion.

Ungh, the elephant in the living room; the aforementioned ‘spiritual awakening’. What can I say about it while still asleep? It calls me to a broader awareness of this nightmare that this second millennium has become. And that awareness is, unexpectedly, comforting. Once you can see the monsters as they are, then they become a little less monstrous. It might be like knowing where the spider is—once you know where it is, you feel a little better about everywhere else. Likewise, as the monsters become more well defined, they shrink from infinite size and power down to something real, with less potential, something which might not win in the end.

And the impending awareness promises to clarify much of the confusion that has clouded my vision in all directions since …well, always. Of course it also promises to introduce new inconsistencies, I think. But, asleep as I am, it is far too early for me to say much about these revelations. Except that they come through great resistance, and bring a substantial challenge to my sanity.

Maybe parts of the ancient legends are true. Certainly some of history is a lie. And perhaps there are whole universes of things we have not known, and a million possibilities unimagined to replace each and every fact which we think we know. All things are neither good nor bad. But pain is real. And fear. And hence, so too is courage real, to endure pain and confront fear, and real, too, is the nobility of helping others do the same.

So, is it really time to wake? Has the silence startled me, the silence which signals that even the alarm clock has given up on me? Does anybody really know what time it is…

Depending on the degree of my awakening, I may need to sell a laptop, or a couple computers. Stay tuned.