Archive for June, 2008

A necessary grief.

Monday, June 9th, 2008

“We are so glad you are here.”

And I never believed it.

How far from the holy place have we fallen? Through what tortures did we descend on the way to becoming human? And why on earth—or anywhere else—would I disbelieve the compassion of a friend?

Recently, old friends have contacted me, and there is no question I am glad. But there is also no question that I had to stay away from them as I did for years. And there is no question that even when I was within their circle, I had to keep an artificial distance—especially then. And even as I longed to be the friend they wanted me to be, and even as I desperately wanted to let them befriend me, even then I insisted on a distance, a cold space. And it was a torture to maintain while I was with them. The torture sank and became a muted pain as the natural passage of time and distances eventually developed betweem me and my friends. But the ongoing loss and saddness was no less then, only more deeply buried. And so, from the first day of my first friendship, I ask now, what required that necessary grief?

At this point I can imagine a therapist saying, “Let’s take a break.”

And I say, “Fuck you! Maybe you’re tired, but I am sick of waiting and I am running out of time. Or have you forgotten? I am prone to wasting twenty years on a whim. Or a ‘break’.”

No. This is the end of these past illusions that a little less warmth, a little distance, a little pushing away might be prudent. BULLSHIT! There is more than enough inhumanity everywhere I look. Why on earth—or anyplace else—would I cultivate any inhumanity anywhere?

But I did. And it seems I cultivated a little coldness, a little inhumanity and a little distance between me and every other person I ever met. I imagine there may have been some reason; some fundamental betrayal in the formative moments of my existence. But it doesn’t matter. I know something which I have glimpsed before, a truth that transcends explanation. The truth is that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And that means everything that brought me to this moment was, as ludicrous as it sounds, also ‘supposed to be’.

And this is where I will allow a break of sorts. Not a break to take a rest. But a break from the way in which we conceptualize life, and time, and the passage of ourselves through all of this. A break from what we think is right and wrong. A break even from what we percieve as joy, and from what we percieve as saddness.

I know that all that has gone before has prepared me for this moment. I think it is more than a pro sequiter, it is more than the simple equation that if what had gone before were different, then I would be at a different moment now, with a different perspective, differing circumstances, and so forth. I believe it is more than just that simple.

I called it a ‘necessary grief’ back there a bit, and that may hold a clue. I don’t subscribe to the myriad of various religious traditions supporting and promoting mystery. That they exist at all is reinforcement enough for my arguments. I do believe there was a ‘coming’ and there will eventually be a ‘going’. The questions of ‘where from?’, and ‘where to?’ are the mysteries. I do believe that we come consciously, that there is some awareness of what this tempest is we are coming into, that there is a cognizance of what existence might be like within this cuisinart of life. In short, everything since that primary ‘plop’ into this existence has been a continuous, somewhat modifiable accident. And all the grief we have suffered, whether we think so or not from within our spinning, looping, swirling perspective, was necessary, inevitable, and unavoidable.

I am not saying it is right to suffer. I am just saying that it is not wrong to.

And if my friends choose to say again, “We are glad you are here,” then I will take that unreservedly and thoroughly into my heart, to stay.