Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to.
My tendency has always been to diminish pain, to dissociate from intense experience, and to avert my eyes from the light. Possibly I learned to not trust my capacity for reality. Probably I chose to bookishly obsess over subtlety rather than gregariously engage the magnificence. But despite my inadequacies with life and my crippled stumbling through the dance, I’ve always known there was something more. Often I denied it. Frequently I replaced it with something else, something that didn’t scare me as much. In defiance of the truth, I devoted myself to many things which I knew were false. I did it to repudiate reality, as if doing so would change it.
All along my journey it was there. Though small and barely perceptible, I could hear it calling, across the roaring ocean and through the howling storm. And though faint as an un-graspable star in the expanse of the night, I could see it, winking at me playfully. It knew my name, and so painful was that awareness that I rejected it. Under loud moans of mock ecstasy I buried its sound. In the theatrical brilliance of mock love I blinded myself to the sight of it. And in floods of self-generated angst and agony I drowned the feeling of its very presence within my own soul. What is this singularity that connects everything, links every light and sound and feeling and place and moment together, that ties all facets of reality to itself? And why am I so utterly terrified of it?
The warm summer night kisses the beach. The waves say “hush-shhh”. The dune grasses whisper soft confidences among themselves. The twinkling stars watch over it all, and guard the night. And the gentle breeze caresses everything. It is everything, the flow of life, into, through, and out of time. Fear is the result of moving away from it, not the result of moving closer to it. It sustains us through death, and through everything else that appears to harm. It is all the concepts that we would use to define it, and it is everything else as well. Absolutely nothing will be lost.