The day is gorgeously Springlike, clear, and blue, and as bright as one might demand if one were in charge of making it so.
There have been more seizures of recent days; I mean me, and Epilepsy. Not that this publication pretends to be anything like a daily journal–but a reference to the beauty of life is as good a segue as any to the infirmities of life.
It was six days ago, and I wonder if then I considered staying in the place where I go when I seize? I wonder if that is how the end will be; just a choice to not return. Not the ineptitude of some intern in an ER, but just my decision to enjoy no more the soft and gentle sunsets like today’s?
Or the cool and pale sunrises, like tomorrow’s. I can speak of that event since I have waited to see it before writing about it. I think, all this other stuff aside, time is what I’ll really miss. Not the contents of the moments, but the stately passage of the moments themselves. Time is the pomp and circumstance of existence. All the rest is often just tedious and annoying–not difficult to discard at all, really.
It is most curious that the seizures are likely the result of the incipience of an antidepressant, which didn’t anti-depress much if you ask me. Certainly any effect the Zoloft did have was countered by the effect of my inchoate excursions in and out of consciousness over the last week. And this is doubly curious, considering that I once thought that the occurrence of seizures had an antidepressant function, like nature’s version of ECT. Hmm. Well, I use to think something similar about sex, too.
If I hadn’t so thoroughly diminished sex in my practice of it, then I would probably miss that, too, when I die, just as I will miss the passage of time. Nonetheless, I will miss what sex always had the potential to be, even though it was twisted by me into being something else.
Today’s Sun offers a hope as fresh and bright as yesterday’s sky, and I should just go to bed; I should crash, I should come down off this Zoloft-withdrawal high which I seem to be enjoying and get on with the day’s business.