Instant messaging scares me. Like the phone. They are the tangible manifestations of our need for human relationship, a need I do my best to repudiate. The fact that I use these devices, or rather, keep them handy—I don’t actually make calls or IM anybody—is evidence of my conflict within; I want to isolate, yet I want relief from lonliness. I fear contact, especially genuine intimacy, yet I despise isolation. Rock and a hard place.
The illusion of presence soothes. The AOL instant messenger ‘door creak’ and ‘door slam’ sounds suggest that I am there, wherever ‘there’ is—present to the reality of now—even when I am not. Like soft voices from the kitchen when I was a toddler waking from a nap, the illusion of presence, of a cognizant, caring presence quieted my fears that I might be cutoff and on my own. Why did I ever fear abandonment? How did I know such a condition existed?
I have a hard time with people who never experienced nihilistic threats in infancy. This makes it easy to exclude many. It is not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I’m jealous. It hurts more than I can bear when to be kisses not to be full on the lips.
BTW, it looks like the rent check maybe didn’t bounce…