I’m afraid of you people. Don’t you know that? No. How could you? I think I hide it pretty well, and I almost never admit it. In fact, most of the time I deny it, even when nobody’s asking. Just by being whole, functioning human beings, you scare me. And even if you are not whole and functioning, you still look like you are to me, so you still scare me. If you reveal that you care, that you’ve invested even a pennie’s worth of emotion in me, then you scare me more. How am I supposed to handle what you’ve given me? How am I supposed to give you anything back?—or maybe I am not supposed to treat it like an exchange, or am I? And if you are an authority figure, if you’re a cop, or a boss, or bigger than me, or more scared than me, or as angry as me, then I’m going to start out so terrified that I’m going to have to hate you just to hold myself together.
And if you never notice the panic that I’m in, and never see the hysteria that I hide inside, and if you treat me like the whole and functioning human being I pretend to be, instead of the trembling, quaking, crumbling, sandcastle that I am, then I’ll try and make you go away. I can’t disintergrate, I just can’t. So I’ll try and make you go away, even though I don’t want to, because I don’t know what else to do.
I’m sorry.
Well don’t forget that you can be scary too. You seem awfully perceptive and honest with yourself and amazingly elegant at expressing it. Such honesty would make many uncomfortable I think.
THE PART I LOVE ABOUT YOU IS THAT, UNLIKE MY SELF YOU DON’T LIVE IN DENIAL. I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY ONLY BECAUSE YOU FEEL ONES NECESSARY, NOT BECAUSE I EVER THOUGHT I DESERVED ONE.
THE PART I LOVE ABOUT YOU IS THAT, UNLIKE MY SELF YOU DON’T LIVE IN DENIAL. I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY ONLY BECAUSE YOU FEEL ONES NECESSARY, NOT BECAUSE I EVER THOUGHT I DESERVED ONE.
heeeyyy, who said you could scan my diary and post it on the internet!!
seriously…you are not alone.
you…are…not…alone.
things you are saying here…i have thought, felt, even blogged…EXACTLY the same things.
boo!
You seem to have an amazing clarity about yourself, and an equally amazing ability to write about it, such that I’m feeling as if I almost know what it’s like to be in your skin.
You have a gift.