Nutshell update.  Since I seem to post about once every full-moon, I'll try to cram it all into this session of typing. 

Went to the beach last week.  It poured all day.  That was kinda OK because all I really wanted to do was wander around real beach-people, in the vague vicinity of real beach-memories.  I didn't really want to make anything new.  How old of me. 

I went with Irene, our first time together since last summer.  We do work together, but encountering people at work is like dashing past a fellow combatant in the trenches.  The subtleties of human emotion can be safely tossed aside, maybe to be picked-up and re-examined again at a later time.  Maybe not. 

On this trip I got to thoroughly expound on all my analyses of life --from when we, each of us, chose courageously before birth to dive into this experience of human life, then through all of the tumult and trauma that ensued, and right up until the present, which is a product of those events combined with our responses to them.  And the purple-grey sky, and the steel-blue water, and the cold vacant beach all played backdrop to my presentation.  Powerpoint could not have done it better. 

There was the outrageously expensive seafood, served in one of Hampton Beach's charmingly trashy establishements.  We were cold and drenched, and it was the only place without its air-conditioning blasting.  In fact, it had garage doors all around the dining/drinking/pool-playing area, all wide open to admit the crowds and the glories of summer --only there weren't any that day. 

All in all, it was a pleasant day.  It was as if everything we encountered during our rainy beach day was clinging to a wishful optimism, though disappointed.  That was so nice, for a little while, not to be the only one.

I did come home with a small revelation.  I have always been stuck at a point where I am able to apprehend all the facts, and can see all of the consequences but cannot answer the question, "What are you going to do about it?"  Irene's experiences with life thus far have led her to formulate the same question in a slightly different way; what do you want? 

I am no less stuck here, but this question presents to me the root of what restrains me.  I can gnaw at my anchor's chain, lose all my teeth and spend all my days so engaged, knowing there will be no danger of severing it and therefore never any need to confront any of the subsequent navigational risks of living life free. 

What do you want?

Well, I want to keep misidentifying the problem so that I don't have to actually decide what I want.  I want to avoid weighing anchor, because this is not a burden forged by me.  In fact, this particular burden was not foisted upon me by a mere stranger, seeking with nothing more than callous disregard to offload an unwanted encumbrance.  Strangers are not supposed to love me, necessarily, and so I could address his calloussness as just that, tossing him and his baggage overboard unrepentantly. 

But it was not a stranger who did this to me, it was the first person to love me in this life.  The person who knew me first and best maliciously tied me down in this sewagey back water because she was too afraid to leave it herself, and too afraid to admit that she did not have to stay there.  If she could make me stay stuck, she could then pretend that her misery was inevitable, that no other choice was possible.  With me stuck by her side, she could pretend that vessels like herself were never meant to travel beyond the putrid swamp in sun and wind and sea, to the wide world beyond.  With me stuck by her side she didn't have to be alone. 

I don't know why she stayed stuck all her life, but I know why I stay stuck.  If I come unstuck, I will have to rewrite my foundations and revise my concept of love itself, for the one who did this to me was truly my first love.  She is the one who introduced me to the concept of love, who taught me caring generosity, who sang to me as I lay giggling in her lap. 

It is easier, and somehow more fitting, to be safely preoccupied gnawing on the chain that restrains me than to take all of these facts, and feel them. 

Besides, I don't know east from west anymore.  What ever would I do outside my rotten pool? 

    Burgwinkle (1:45:49 AM): hi
    Burgwinkle (1:46:16 AM): the eagle has landed
    BooBoo602(1:48:16 AM): OH GOD
    BooBoo602(1:48:25 AM): I MEAN GOOD
    Burgwinkle (1:49:07 AM): i was getting worried
    BooBoo602(1:49:12 AM): BUISY
    Burgwinkle (1:49:18 AM): k


    Burgwinkle (1:58:54 AM): hi sorry.  sound is off.  he's asleep (I think)


    BooBoo602(2:05:18 AM): BOBBY SLEEPING?
    Burgwinkle (2:05:28 AM): eyes shut
    Burgwinkle (2:05:37 AM): I think
    Burgwinkle (2:05:45 AM): I dare not look to closely
    BooBoo602(2:06:22 AM): WANT ME TO COME LOOK?
    BooBoo602(2:07:31 AM): YOU GONNA COME WORK?
    BooBoo602(2:07:48 AM): AAND I WILL GO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HIM?


    Burgwinkle (2:08:14 AM): Many nights I sit here surfing senslessly, dozing off and knowing I should get in bed, but don't until its light out..
    Burgwinkle (2:08:47 AM): tonight I have all I can do to stay out of bed
    Burgwinkle (2:08:53 AM): and its early
    BooBoo602(2:08:53 AM): LOL
    BooBoo602(2:15:42 AM): CAN I MAKE HIM OPEN HIS EYES?
    Burgwinkle (2:16:05 AM): he is beautiful.
    BooBoo602(2:16:25 AM): WHERES A WEB CAM WHEN YOU NEED IT?
    Burgwinkle (2:17:21 AM): I would shut it off,
    BooBoo602(2:17:38 AM): <POUT>
    Burgwinkle (2:19:12 AM): it would be like trying to film a miracle
    Burgwinkle (2:19:26 AM): ...very tacky.
    BooBoo602(2:19:51 AM): AWE....SO SENTIMENTIL( my spelling still sucks)
    Burgwinkle (2:20:50 AM): i don't think i know how to spell it either
    Burgwinkle (2:21:12 AM): and this space bar is too goddamn noisy.
    BooBoo602(2:21:18 AM): do you even know what it means?....lol
    Burgwinkle (2:21:53 AM): it means the look of his face in candle light
    Burgwinkle (2:22:02 AM): while he sleeps
    BooBoo602(2:22:26 AM): sniff...sniff
    BooBoo602(2:22:36 AM): aawe
    Burgwinkle (2:23:19 AM): i'm getting sore trying not to move
    BooBoo602(2:23:28 AM): lol
    BooBoo602(2:23:37 AM): why trying not to move?
    BooBoo602(2:23:47 AM): trying to be quiet?
    Burgwinkle (2:23:54 AM): trying to be quiet
    BooBoo602(2:24:06 AM): oh
    Burgwinkle (2:24:40 AM): ...his foot is about a foot from the base of my chair.
    Burgwinkle (2:25:14 AM): and it is nowhere near his other foot
    Burgwinkle (2:25:21 AM): (!)
    BooBoo602(2:25:26 AM): reach out and touch it?
    Burgwinkle (2:25:42 AM): or /!\
    BooBoo602(2:26:12 AM): roflmao
    Burgwinkle (2:26:26 AM): _/!\_
    BooBoo602(2:26:54 AM): where do you come up with these things?
    Burgwinkle (2:27:18 AM): i buy them at walmart
    BooBoo602(2:27:50 AM): LOL
    Burgwinkle (2:28:44 AM): seriously, it is amazing what an overstimulated mind will do, in the dark, at a keyboard
    Burgwinkle (2:29:09 AM): ...with the love of my life asleep in MY BED!
    BooBoo602(2:29:13 AM): YOU ARE RIGHT
    BooBoo602(2:29:38 AM): GO CRAWL IN WITH HIM
    Burgwinkle (2:30:50 AM): I am Gus Grissom, and bobby is my moon.


    Burgwinkle (2:41:13 AM): his s/o just called
    BooBoo602(2:42:46 AM): oh
    BooBoo602(2:42:53 AM): and?
    Burgwinkle (2:43:43 AM): we decided not to answer because the id was unavailable
    BooBoo602(2:43:59 AM): oh
    BooBoo602(2:44:05 AM): he awke now?
    Burgwinkle (2:44:17 AM): but, that's because it was the mass relay oper calling (darlene is deaf)
    BooBoo602(2:44:32 AM): oh
    Burgwinkle (2:44:36 AM): yup. 
    BooBoo602(2:45:00 AM): is he reading?
    Burgwinkle (2:45:11 AM): she knows where he is...
    BooBoo602(2:45:33 AM): or is she guessing?
    Burgwinkle (2:45:42 AM): he is talkin g to the relay oper now, to her.
    BooBoo602(2:45:51 AM): oh
    BooBoo602(2:46:13 AM): so he signs also huh
    Burgwinkle (2:48:18 AM): he does it ALL, baby
    BooBoo602(2:49:40 AM): OOOOOHHHHH


    Burgwinkle (2:56:30 AM): hell hath no scorn..
    BooBoo602(2:56:47 AM): .....?
    Burgwinkle (2:57:22 AM): or is it hell hath no wrath like a woman's scorn
    BooBoo602(2:57:30 AM): OHHHHHH
    Burgwinkle (2:58:06 AM): Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  THATs it
    BooBoo602(3:01:00 AM): YA...OK


    Burgwinkle (3:13:06 AM): this is now type by touch, the lights are all off, the candle out, and the monitor dummed way down.
    Burgwinkle (3:13:28 AM): dimmed
    BooBoo602(3:13:49 AM): SO NOT TO DIATURB SLEEPING BEAUTY?


    Burgwinkle (3:19:14 AM): In ancient religious practice, in the days when the Sun was worshipped, and when the regularity of its passage through the heavens and whether or not it would rise in the morning was a matter of worry, virgins like me (Hah!) would sit awake all night and keep vigil, because they believed if no one stayed awake, then the dawn would not come...
    BooBoo602(3:21:00 AM): AND....
    Burgwinkle (3:22:31 AM): ...they worried that the Sun might forget them, or that some other misfortune might steal it from them, leaving them forever to suffer in the dark and the cold --a long night of winter...
    Burgwinkle (3:23:14 AM): never to become summer again.
    BooBoo602(3:23:32 AM): WHERE DO YOOU LEARN THIS STUFF?
    Burgwinkle (3:28:14 AM): I worry.  This precious one I watch vigil over may be stolen from me.  The night brings many troubles to the mind, and ressurects many demons from their daytime graves, where daylight entombs them. 
    BooBoo602(3:28:59 AM): SRE OYU GETTING MUSHY ON ME?
    BooBoo602(3:31:39 AM): BRB
    Burgwinkle (3:35:51 AM): It is a fight to keep the light still alive, though dimly it may flicker, and when the black and grasping night encroaches, from both sides. from the front and the back, and even from above and below, that is when the keepers of the vigil become the heroes of the night.
    Burgwinkle (3:41:13 AM): mushymushymushy
    BooBoo602(3:48:29 AM): OH HOW NICCE
    BooBoo602(3:48:37 AM): I KNEW OYU HAD A HEART


    Burgwinkle (4:02:02 AM): heart on
    BooBoo602(4:02:33 AM): you are a sick pup

Please read MacOPINION, by Matthew Ruben: Celine Dion Killed My iMac!, regardless of whether you own an Apple or not.  If you buy stuff, this article is important to you.  Period. 

In my comatose lethargioussness (a new word coined by me) I only recently noticed a link to my site from blakecam.com, which may have been up for weeks or even months.  Usually I scour my access logs every couple days or so for evidence of others who have been inspired to type a line or two of code just for me.  I really like that. 

Not only do I like when people do that, but it introduces me to new sites, and there are a number of nice sites to be seen at blakecam.com.

See them.