here's the weather on top of me now.  the weather is mostly coming off the sea from the south right now, but notice how the pattern is very subtly turning counter-clockwise (pretend, OK?)  for example notice the few straggling radar reflections moving due west into boston.  right now i am at the 1 or 2 o'clock position relative to the storm, and the winds --which move around the storm counter-clockwise --are coming from the south east.  as the storm moves out to sea, it will probably strengthen, slowly it seems in the case of this storm, and New England will eventually be in the ten o'clock position relative to the storm.  Then the winds, snow, and sleet moving counter-clockwise around the storm will be coming at us from the northeast, hence the term Nor'Easter. 

such juxtapositions of storm, sea, and land have often created very severe weather, including my favorite, the Blizzard of '78.  We didn't give the Nor'Easter its own name just because we are pretentious.  It was named many generations ago by taciturn New Englanders who would never admit it, but who secretly love a really good storm. 

and with that, i am going for a walk...

tonight, the supermarket was out of bread.  i think people like any diversion they can get from the routines into which they have chosen to be locked.  that's why the weather 'entertainers' are making such a big deal of this storm, so early; hell, they started their chicken-little routines thursday!  but everybody was almost cheerful at the supermarket tonight, even giddy.  we were all feeling secure in our mutual need --regardless of how true, or not true, that need may turn out to be.  because all we want, really, is an excuse to acknowledge that we do like each other, an excuse to lower our guard in the safety of a shared crisis which equalizes us --or, rather, which allows us to let go of the pretense --the lie --that we were ever unequal in the first place.  it's a relief. .

course, i'm probably clinically depressed, so what would i know about it?

the national weather service forcast for central massachusetts (just a tiny bit west of boston):

*** ZONE FORECAST ***

MAZ004>006-012-NHZ012-051632-
HILLSBOROUGH-NORTHERN WORCESTER-SOUTHERN WORCESTER-WESTERN ESSEX-
WESTERN MIDDLESEX-
INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...FITCHBURG...LAWRENCE...LOWELL...
MANCHESTER...WORCESTER
1132 PM EST SUN MAR 4 2001

...BLIZZARD WARNING MONDAY THROUGH TUESDAY...
.OVERNIGHT...SNOW BECOMING HEAVY TOWARD DAYBREAK.  SNOW ACCUMULATION
BY EARLY MORNING 2 TO 5 INCHES.  LOW 20 TO 25.  NORTHEAST WIND 10 TO
20 MPH.
.MONDAY...SNOW...POSSIBLY BRIEFLY MIXED WITH SLEET LATE IN THE
MORNING. PRECIPITATION WILL BE HEAVY AT TIMES.  TOTAL
ACCUMULATION...6 TO 12 INCHES.  BECOMING VERY WINDY.  HIGH 25 TO
30.  NORTHEAST WIND 20 MPH INCREASING EARLY IN THE AFTERNOON TO 30
TO 35 MPH WITH GUSTS TO 55 MPH.
.MONDAY NIGHT...SNOW...HEAVY AT TIMES.  VERY WINDY WITH GUSTS TO 50
MPH.  LOW IN THE UPPER 20S.  CHANCE OF SNOW NEAR 100 PERCENT.
.TUESDAY...SNOW...HEAVY AT TIMES.  VERY WINDY WITH GUSTS TO 50 MPH
AND SEVERE BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW LIKELY.  HIGH NEAR 30.
STORM TOTAL SNOWFALL BY DAYS END...20 TO 36 INCHES.

the waiter of previous worship hates me.  either that or i make him very uncomfortable --not the nervous-and-excited-because-joe-likes-me kind of uncomfortable, but the irritated-and-annoyed-that-joe-is-attracted-to-me kind of uncomfortable.  believe me, i've seen others affected by me in the same way before.  and i know this is adolescent.  i wasn't kidding when i said i was stuck somewhere between eighth grade and real life. 

he's one of the adults who grew-up, learned acceptance, took on responsibility.  he has an intuition --like everybody --that tells him when something is right and when something is wrong.  he's 27 and he is one of the adults; i am 42 and i am still not. 

he skiis.  he's the oldest of five boys.  they all ski.  there was a 6-month old at the table next to us.  whenever Jason came in the vicinity, the baby's face lit-up and he wouldn't take his eyes off Jason.  Jason likes kids.  Stephanie's question, 'do you like kids?' led to him telling us he is the oldest of five, that he grew-up taking care of kids since he was a kid.  he even allows that he has some anxiety when they all go skiing, about his youngest brother who just started skiing this year.  it is very sweet to appreciate from the perspective of my years the concern of an elder in the eyes of one so young as Jason.  and the baby across the aisle remains fascinated by the beautiful young man who can't remember my name. 

the 6-month old and this 510-month old both have the same keeness of perception borne of a need to thrive, and are both attuned to the same clues; who is generous?, who is kind?, who is my mirror. 

who can i trust?