joe.

Saturday, March 09, 2002.


Starting the last half.

50.  I stay until the credits finish rolling.
51.  I cried after Men In Black.
52.  I recently saw "Life is beautiful" and it is haunting me.
53.   I can't pay my bills and my rent. 
54.   Once in a while, I wake up 'foggy,' unable to concentrate or even think straight for ten whole seconds together.  This indicates I am going to have a seizure; in fact it is the effect of 'partial seizures' which are the beginning of a generalized seizure before it has spread throughout my brain.  If my thoughts are coherent enough, I can at this point take 3 mg of Ativan, and sleep for eighteen hours.  Somehow this prevents me from having a seizure, but it still costs a whole day.  I woke up that way this morning. 
55.   I do not want a lingering death.  But I believe that within the transition from the temporal to the metaphysical, though it may count from our perspective as only a minute or two, it may contain days, months, or even lifetimes of suffering.  I think it is funny how we use the phrase, 'Better off dead,' when we really have no idea.
56.   I am not sure, but I suppose human culture has improved since the Crusades.  I know Humanity has not.
57.   I like the sky to be gray and overcast, and and the ground to be white and snowy.  Everyone's mood descends closer to the mood I live in always, and I don't feel so all alone.  Blizzards are good.
58.   When I first get out of bed, I pee sitting down.  It relieves the need to aim.
59.   There is no such thing as a lone gunman in a political assassination.