You get used to it.
I got used to using HTML-Kit. I really love that program; it has so many cool features, simple and real useful. Like auto-complete. It lets me create shortcuts like the one I used at the end of paragraphs. I would type a period and 2 p's and a space (.pp ) and HTML-Kit would replace it with
</p>
<p>
(that's a closing followed by an opening paragraph mark with a return in between) and would leave the cursor right after the opening paragraph mark. I had about twenty similar shortcuts set up to insert all sorts of text-strings.
But HTML-Kit® doesn't do FTP, and I know it's a sin, but I edit on the web--I upload every few minutes as I write the page, viewing the results on my browser. I got used to doing that pretty quick with an HTML-Kit/WS-FTP/IE5 combo, but it became real tedious. Plus I had a copy of HomeSite4.0 (which does FTP) just hanging around, never being used. So, now I'm getting used to using HomeSite. And this is in addition to trying to familiarize myself with Paint Shop Pro®! (I just upgraded to version 6 last week.) Not that this is a big deal, but I just read in JohnCam's diary that he is just starting to learn PhotoShop®, which he describes as a big step up from--guess what?--Paint Shop Pro. As if I don't already have my hands full learning just the upgrades to software I already use, now I want to get into Macromedia Flash®! And didn't I hear Fireworks® somewhere?
I love this stuff, but it really is an enormous diversion for me from those deeper, scary parts of me. I can spend days doing nothing else but creating pages like this one. This journal is an attempt at coming back a little bit to the places I need to be. I'm trying to get used to it.
I got used to sleeping with Daniel, my left arm under his pillow, my right arm around his waist, my breath on his neck. I became accustomed to riding the subway with him on his way to work. I got real familiar with his moods, the music he liked, the TV he watched, and how he liked his coffee. And I'm forgetting details now, but I remember once I knew the exact shape of his hands, I had memorized the scent of his body, and I could recognize his voice in less than a syllable. Daniel was beautiful in all the obvious ways, plus something else. Daniel let me in to where he is--like many of us--hurt way deep inside. He confided in me beyond words, and he ennobled me with his trust. He made me important in his heart.
We broke-up almost 2 years ago. I keep his picture on the wall, and it has become for me a guage of my self-pity. The more sorry for myself I am feeling, the more attention I give that picture. When I get so low that I reach up and touch the image of his face, with a lump in my throat, then I know I need to come back.
I wish I didn't leave him the way I did. At times I think I was terribly cold, and maybe I was. At times I think he might have been the only one for me, and maybe he was. I wish I embraced him instead of pushing him away. I wish I could love him, instead of just his picture, and I hope he's not alone right now. I wish I wasn't, either.
You get used to it.
