His eyes met mine, I looked away.  He stared at me, smiling coyly.  He said 'Hi,' like he knew me, like I should know him.  A cute college boy; who knows where I might have met him--or even if I ever did.  I hesitantly half-acknowledged him as I rolled past on my bike, and kept going.  He only wanted to say hi.  He wasn't trying to terrify me, he even seemed a little scared himself... 

 wasted, so much time wasted, afraid and unaware.  It starts to hurt all over, aching inside of aching, a lurking soreness, not visible and definable, but diffuse--a gentle embrace of pain. 

She comes this way to me.  She.  It seems innappropriate a thing which, for me, is a blessing, would not be possessed of a boyish image; but it's also too appropriate, for boyish things always keep me away...  from me.  And it is me she does bring back, through my tears, to me. 

I hide, and I wonder if they know--all of those I claim to love, those who would love me if I didn't always turn away--that I'm really just afraid.  Not mad, or ungrateful, and oh please don't think me hateful.  It's just so hard to endure the path of endless fear, demanded by this love I have in my soul--for everything.  Absolutely everything.  I step off into the shadows, but I keep the road in sight because I don't want you to leave me behind.  But I just can't keep up.  I'm not made the same as you. 

 if she comes to me, and hurts me, can I be sure it is not a blessing?  If a college boy of uncommon tastes who, passing by, takes interest in me, and comes to my embrace, can I be sure he is not a curse?  Truly, both are blessings; the curse is in my panicked retreat from each of them, and in my lost awareness for every precious passion and each rare agony which this loving life humbly brings to me. 

Precious gifts, from pain to ecstasy, and everything in between, and I am built to receive them all from life.  The experience I will have of living will include all that hurts along with all that heals, else black gaping incompletenesses will remain in their absence.  That is darkness, and hell.  This is light; embrace my neglected pain, reclaim my denied goodness.  And kiss the boy. 

Angel     Spend all your time waiting   for that second chance   for a break that would make it okay   there's always some reason   to feel not good enough   and it's hard at the end of the day   I need some distraction   oh beautiful release   memories seep from my veins   let me be empty   oh and weightless and maybe   I'll find some peace tonight     In the arms of the angel   fly away from here   from this dark cold hotel room   and the endlessness that you fear   you are pulled from the wreckage   of your silent reverie   you're in the arms of the angel   may you find some comfort here     So tired of the straight line   and everywhere you turn   there's vultures and thieves at your back   and the storm keeps on twisting   you keep on building the lies   that you make up for all that you lack   it don't make no difference   escaping one last time   it's easier to believe   in this sweet madness   oh this glorious sadness   that brings me to my knees     In the arms of the angel   far away from here   from this dark cold hotel room   and the endlessness that you fear   you are pulled from the wreckage   of your silent reverie   you're in the arms of the angel   may you find some comfort here   you're in the arms of the angel   may you find some comfort
here

sara mclachlan
mail to joe
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