i feel like shit. My friend Stephanie called me tonight. Today she went to a psychic we both know, and the psychic told her things about me. The psychic said I had an illness, and my job's stress would cause it to flare-up. I felt better last night, and slept well, but this afternoon, I got real tired. And then Stephanie called.
No matter what you say, it's not worth much until at some point you do it. I stopped toxic meds because I love myself? If I really love myself, then I say, "Do something about it." This new plan has got to include more than just stopping the poison. Whether I want to admit it or not, the poison was doing something good. Not enough good to make up for the damage it was doing, but some good nonetheless. I believe its toxicity drives our systems so hard, that they eventually go over the edge, and as a result of our hyper-revved response to the poison we also stay fairly free of colds and flus. Tonight I feel sick.
Before I quit the cocktail, I wondered about my apparent immunity to all the contagions I normally come in contact with at work. I thought it was incongruous for an immune deficient person to have—not just the same immune function as healthy people, but near-perfect immune function.
I believe stress and poison have similar effects on the immune system. I don't know the pharmacokinetics of that dynamic, but I know my body, and it tells me everything I need to know, without big words. The insults of stress and chemicals cause a physiologic state of crisis, and all normal regulatory processes are suspended, now regulated by the marshal law of an organism under attack.
Tonight, I feel sick. If you concluded immediately, at the very beginning of this entry, that the fact that I am sick proves I should get back on my meds this instant, then you get a terror-score of 10. I feel sick because I stopped taking poison, to which my body had become very accustomed. My soul and flesh are establishing a new way of living, a new life, and that can be a little scary sometimes, but more than anything else it is just tremendously hard work. If you concluded toward the end of this entry that feeling sick so soon after stopping the toxins is at the very least a bad omen, you get a terror-score of 5. Terror keeps us internally divided, some of us seek it out. We do not need to face ourselves, or be responsive to real life, while our souls are fractured in terror, like a bus-full of hysterical children.
if you never considered today's illness as a reason to resume toxic meds, but instead concluded that it is a call to work harder to create the conditions for health, you get a 0 terror-score. AIDS is a real disease, but HIV is hardly a real cause, and attacking it allopathically with anti-virals is like poisoning the oceans to stop the hurricanes.
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