i've been hiding... scared... hurt?.. trying to play God. I'm not in charge. I pretend to be 'in charge', to avoid the risks of real life, and by not engaging in real life, I can pretend that I am God.
I am not God, I'm not in charge, and I'm not alone. I am in trouble—whether I want to admit it or not—no more or less than everybody else. I work hard to remember that sense I had as a kid, of eagerness to be alive, that sense of perfection; that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.
I have not written here for days, and that is not a good sign, because I have not written at all. This has become the only place I write; the cold public stone where I make my bed. It is not a comfortable place, but I have come to fear secrets, so much so that even mere privacy is scary. I don't know what comfort will come of leading the life of a public hermit here on the Internet—alone, but visible to all—as opposed to leading a 'normal' life in some privacy among warm friends, and having one significant friend, for the most private intimacy—just me and him.
Why would I prefer public anonymity over private intimacy? What could have happened in my life to make me so terrified of privacy, secrecy, and intimacy? You can probably make a good guess, but the real answer lies in confronting the fears, the resolution will only come in the process of restoring privacy, creating intimacy, and in identifying how they differ from secrecy. We are only as sick as our secrets, but keeping nothing private and trusting no one is not the same as having no secrets.
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