laundry is going! Woo-hoo! It is getting really difficult to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. I guess one either wants to live, or one does not. There is no indifference.
Did you ever have sex with someone you didn't really love? Did you just endure it, tolerate it, wait for it to end? Or did you lustily embrace the event, and discard your reservations and your hesitations, and your picky preference for someone not quite so old, and not quite so fat? You know, it is possible to do anything.
he had a little dick, maybe that's why he became a priest. He was twice my age, 50 when I was in my early 20's, but he got-off first. I guess I could have stopped right then, but I told myself to go ahead, to keep it up and force ecstasy to arrive. It would be impolite to leave him any other way.
Orgasms you work the hardest for, are better for the effort; like summitting a lofty peak, or finishing a greuling race. Now, it may be a tacky comparison, but finally cumming onto his ecclesiastical belly was like confronting life uncomplainingly, and doing better than I thought I could.
saw 'Girl, Interrupted' with Cheryl last night. It had the potential to be a real rollercoaster, emotionally, but wasn't. We were not bored, though, and the movie's worst sin was that it gathered together some very good ingredients, but never made a cake. Angelina Jolie is beautiful to look at regardless of your orientation, and Jared Leto is just plain gorgeous, except he wasn't on-screen enough.
The whole movie is almost worth seeing just for Susanna's speech to Lisa very near the end. Except for the scene's utter implausibility, the speech perfectly frames the insane absurdities of life within the sanity of one living it. And I'm glad Vanessa Redgrave (Dr. Wick) turned out not to be a monster. Although we know the world is full of monsters—especially in Psychiatry—they were no longer necessary in this movie after it became clear everyone was going to skip-off through the daisies, anyway.
I'm late for work.
I am an alcoholic. I am a drug addict. I am a homosexual. I am a genius.
—Truman Capote
fatal machinations; scared little boys. How come Capote never killed himself? I mean decisively, not by default by drinking himself to death. How come Capote stayed?
He talks in some writings about being a hustler when he was younger, and a top at that! Maybe that was the literal truth, or maybe it was something else. We fags learn to live with a lot that is contradictory, that doesn't match appearances. We actually learn to be comforted by discomfiture, we especially learn to ease ourselves into orgasm by any means, and out of the disaster which is our lives in this world. I once bought the rag that sexual orientation was all about sex and nothing else; that homosexual meant sex with men, with a capital 'sex' and a capital 'man'. It was a great escape.
Someone said that suicide is really just a tantrum, the ultimate tantrum. And that's why I don't get it: Wasn't Capote always having a tantrum? Wasn't he—like his picture there—a baby, every day of his life? So how come he never did it? Maybe it was on his to-do list and he just never got around to it. More likely he had learned to enjoy his life, masochistically. But even though he was an infantile personality his whole life long, wanting to off himself every single day, it is possible he refused to go because he knew there was something more.
truman Capote knew there was a freedom outside of infancy, a way to live life without the internal contradictions that tear us apart. (I too believe.) And at some point in his life, he must have known that he would never get there. Capote was a terrified innocent; paralyzed by fear, yet refusing to discard the precious gift that he knew he'd never touch. There's a dignity, a pure-hearted dignity, in living in exile from real life, but staying anyway.
Let there not be emphasis on the staying, but on the exile. And let tender tears fall for those in our world and our cities, in our streets and in our homes, and even for those in our own beds who are exiled, who cannot really touch and probably won't ever really live, but stay anyway.
|
|
|