the sky is white, billows of powdery snow swirl through alleys and naked tree limbs. The world has become gentle under a foot of perfect snow.
Rereading yesterday's journal of renewed compassion for myself exposes its opposite; the self-contempt by which I contained and endured the devastating events. I sing "Let it be Me" to myself, yet I find my thoughts drifting toward suicidal musings. I think about the complications of standing up for myself in love, and of the complexities of creating an 'alternative' therapy for myself, and I consider crawling back under the chemical shroud I threw off last week. Suicidal musings and prescription poisons go hand-in-hand.
It is far more dangerous to be telling of these thoughts here than to be secretly thinking them. These opposing sentiments are a timid couple, and they need coaxing with infinite gentleness to come into the open where they can reconcile without interference. People don't look at suicide dispassionately; they try to prevent the event, and in so doing they often prolong the egregious agony which motivates the act. As these feelings emerge and begin negotiations to continue life united, my 'friends'—thinking they will keep me safe—may seek to force these feelings back into hiding. If these feelings remain holed-up and do not resolve their differences, I will die. And this is how it will happen: I will either go back on the cocktail, which will kill my hope long before it kills me—and that hopelessness could well be fatal. Or I will make only a half-hearted attempt to survive via holistic therapies, and fail.
when I see the whole picture of my life, from its beginning until now, I am inundated in an upwelling of love and tears. These parts that you think I am nuts talking about as if they were seperate, my body and my soul, really were once unknown to one another. And one day they will say goodbye, and continue on their seperate journies according to the Universe's perfect plan. But at the beginning of my life, they chose to join in a union indissoluable, and with links unbreakable they chose to fall into this fray where links like these can really hurt when pulled so far apart. They have been here together and been through it all together, yet not together; my body and soul have loved one another dearly as though from seperate continents because of divisions brutally imposed.
Now I want him back, and I will give up all I have accumulated in the 36 years since we had to part so that we can be together again. No matter what investments I made in schemes for survival, regardless of what I forfeited to keep the pain at bay, he is mine and I am his; we are each other's most precious possession and compared to that, all the rest is worthless.
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