just saw Josh at the mall. I mean the original one, Josh C., the 19-something pretty blonde ex-coworker with 'issues', not the current one, Josh K., the model-handsome blonde at work who seems so desirably well-adjusted. I was rushing in to pick-up a prescription, having chills and wearing two coats, just as Josh C. was striding through the atrium. He saw me first, and just as I noticed him, he looked away. Ouch. Recalling today's encounter, I remember now that that's what made me like him; he's scared in every step he takes, and he's denying it in every other--just like me.
they are an interesting contrast, the two Joshuas. They are about the same age, within a year. They are both attractive, both fairly near the beginnings of their respective journeys, and so are not yet too far apart in the way they approach the world, but they seem to be planning two very different courses.
Josh's attractiveness--Josh C. that is--partly resided in his air of complete above-ness. He was not aloof or cold, though he does seem bound to become so, but he had an ability to present a near perfect artificial serenity, which made him fascinating to me. I could never do it quite as good as he did.
He'd wait to find out what you expected him to be, then like a sushi chef in a blur of blades, he'd carve a new Josh, to order. And you could watch him the whole time, and you'd never see him flinch, or betray even a flicker of anxiety. I couldn't resist playing with him, not just because the show was fun and he was cute, but because it was such a relief to find one just like me. I was entranced and he knew it, and he toyed with me but still, it was such a relief.
people like us live in a bubble, an invisible impenetrable safe space. We appear to be there, right there in front of you, and we are in a sense. But there is no chance of touching us. We might as well not be there at all. Until we see another boy in a bubble, another person also dependant on maintaining a secret distance between himself and others--then we become predators, trying to sidle up within slashing distance of the other. "If we both need a bubble and I tear his apart," the reasoning goes, "then maybe I can get him to come inside my bubble, and finally, ...finally, I can touch someone."
as I walked into the CVS, I wondered what he remembered of me. Was he thinking of the message I left on his phone when he failed to show-up for work the fourth time, after assuring us--for the third time--that he would? "This is Joe at work just calling to see if Josh is OK. Call me if you get a chance." I was artfully non-demanding, and I left my home number, too. < s i g h > He never called.
Now that I think about it, today was the only time since before that message that I've seen him, and he looks the same, only I can see better now what really attracted me to him. I used to act as though Josh C. was breath-takingly beautiful, but most people didn't agree with me, and I knew they were right. He was a terrified child--very vulnerable--and he was denying his fear, which multiplies that vulnerability a hundred-fold. That's what really attracted me to him. He virtually would have fed himself to me, if only I had worked to contrive it so. Then we would've been two boys in one bubble.
Or so I tell myself. Frankly, I can't stand couples like that, so needy, so symbiotic--parasitic, really. And it's always a lie anyway, no matter how hard you try to deny it: No bubble-boy has ever gotten another in there with him. The only way to touch is to break the bubble and come out. The only way.
joshua K. is straight-forward and authentic. And outstandingly handsome--a damn sight better-looking than Josh C. He is not a boy in a bubble, he is just a boy, and he presents none of the potential entanglements of the first Josh. I'm surprised to say it, but the difference is really rather refreshing. He may not possess the same fear, or offer the same vulnerability as Joshua C., but when the new Josh sees me, he doesn't look away.
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