I found this. I remembered reading it to a therapist once about 1993. At the time I had a portable word processor. It had a keyboard, an LCD screen, it saved text on floppy disks, and it printed on thermal paper which came in rolls eight and a half inches wide by an uncountable number of inches long. I printed the following journal entry, along with about a hundred other entries, on one hundred-day long sheet of paper that insisted on staying curled up like a scroll. <\/p>\n
The dead me scroll. <\/p>\n
I try to laugh. I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt, or feel scary, or lonely. I’m gay, 36, HIV+ and alone. True, I live alone and have no romantic pursuit, but those isolations are deliberate – or so I say. And besides, that is not what I mean. I am talking about the kind of alone that comes from pretending to be alive – pretending I did not die of childhood. The alone of believing that these games are all I am; that if I stopped playing them, not only would my death become real; I would no longer exist. <\/p>\n
No longer exist?!! What psychobabble is this? Let me explain alone some more. Let me explain forever.<\/p>\n
feel more alone every day<\/em> I am a writer. I began writing feel more alone every day<\/em> to express feelings I could not touch. I learned feel more alone every day<\/em> by sheer obsessive determination how to construct feel more alone every day<\/em> sentences, how to examine text, feel more alone every day<\/em> which lacks the inflections of speech, for every possible weakness feel more alone every day<\/em> in clarity. I eventually developed some feel more alone every day<\/em> understanding of how to break text feel more alone every day<\/em> into paragraphs. But the truth is, feel more alone every day<\/em> I write not to express feelings, but feel more alone every day<\/em> to contain them. To encapsulate and dispose of them feel more alone every day<\/em> forever in the only place I own, the only place feel more alone every day<\/em> I have permission to use as a dump, the only place I can get rid of feel more alone every day<\/em> noxious feelings without crossing any personal boundaries. To avoid feeling, I have turned feel more alone every day<\/em> my own mind into a hazardous waste site.<\/p>\n
But it’s leaking.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I found this. I remembered reading it to a therapist once about 1993. At the time I had a portable word processor. It had a keyboard, an LCD screen, it saved text on floppy disks, and it printed on thermal … Continue reading