{"id":177,"date":"2001-09-25T01:15:13","date_gmt":"2001-09-25T06:15:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/?p=177"},"modified":"2001-09-25T01:15:13","modified_gmt":"2001-09-25T06:15:13","slug":"unfinished-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/?p=177","title":{"rendered":"unfinished love"},"content":{"rendered":"
unfinished love<\/div>\n

\n<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

\nI used to live at this<\/a> site.  I watched his webcam day in and day out.  I was in love with him in the same way that I love the sexy boi’s I know I cannot have, the fresh beauties who do not have a pathologic attraction for older paunchy men.  Rex was the perfect sweet soul, kind to all, sensitive in a crystalline-honest way, and gentle.  He was one of those delicious boys who made me achingly aware of that place in my heart where I wanted someone to be.  But I tried to be the good observer from a distance, not contemptuous of him, for he deserved no contempt, and not hating him for his vital youth and love of life, for that is the basest kind of jealousy.  I tried to be just me, whatever that would be if I were like his other admirers — open and honest and not trying to keep contained a raging white-hot lonliness in a pressure vessle of calm appearance. \n<\/p>\n

\nHe was so many things that I was not; young, attractive, productive, social.  Genuine.  While watching his webcam I listened to his nightly web-broadcast on gaybc.com almost religiously.  I watched him have coffee most mornings when he got up around 8 or 9 AM his time, which was around 11 or noon my time — we usually got up together.  It was as much interpersonal reality as I could handle at the time, the silent movie of reX updated every 40 seconds.  I wondered what he was saying when I saw him on the phone, and who he was saying it to.  I wondered what he was watching when the downloaded image showed him alone on his couch illuminated only by the light from his TV.  I wondered how I would behave if I were there, within earshot of his TV — within the sound of his voice.  How would I respond?  Who would I be? \n<\/p>\n

\nyou read me very well – i wHas aftriad of you pulling that out – cause i t couldnt last very long with me hiding this from you-<\/p>\n

\nmaybe you know already – perhaps told by a dReam – or vision – or passing thought or maybe wHen you took your med’s one time you might think .. “hmmmmm… wHy am i tHinking of michael right now?”  .. what has he done now?  .. <\/p>\n

— from reX’s ramBles<\/a>, to his ex, cHris.<\/div>\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\nI tried to read the language of the bodies when he was not alone on that couch; he was modest, never an exhibitionist, though he was extremely hot.  And his partners (the few I saw) were never interested enough in him; either they persued their own sexual urges despite his reluctance, or they dumbly ignored what appeared to be his obvious affections, withholding their warmth and resisting intimacy with him.  Baffling to me. \n<\/p>\n

\nOne of the things I respected most about reX was the loving way he handled people — callers to his show, people who wrote in, guests — who were HIV positive.  He treated us the same way he treated everybody, with whole hearted kindness and goodwill.  He even had a positive boyfriend for a significant period of time.  I loved reX. \n<\/p>\n

\nbut i wHas ALWAYS afriad of certain “fates” for us – and sCares me still to know – yah this is our “tHirtys” – and teh realities of liFe tHat have effected us – I always wanted you.. more.. wanted to protect you.. wanted you “protected” .. or “sPecial” .. cause you were kinda of mine.. in a wHay.. and i wHas always yours.. <\/p>\n

\nsPecial you are now to me.. moRe and more .. as i miss and yearn my best fRiend.. my confidant.. it sCares me that my protection cant protect you fRom some of tHOse realities – makes me smehow feel like i failed – and tHen wHen i found out I wHas pos – it made me feel eVen more disapointed – or that i failed a mission\n<\/p>\n

\ni haVe always used my “neg” status as magic and protection for those i loVed – being neg meant i could keep others safe as well.. <\/p>\n

— from reX’s ramBles<\/a>, to his ex, cHris.<\/div>\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\nI speak of reX in the past tense not because he died or anything like that, but because he left.  He disappeared from gaybc without much explanation that I could find.  But I didn’t look too hard because he was still on-camera; I had figured out how to watch his webcam without going to his site — stealing bandwidth it’s called.  I am a sinner.  But even his pictures spoke of something different.  My reading of his images told a story of some disruption, a hard wind of change.  His images switched web-hosts, he started showing more skin — not immodestly, but like a modest boy pretending to be immodest.  I wondered where he was going.  <\/p>\n

\nI stopped snatching his images off his server because it began to appear like reX was using them commercially, on badpuppy.com.  Private galleries of reX-images became available to subscribers.  And nowhere on the web could I find his voice, which, now that I think about it, had always been wHay<\/i> more sexy than any cock- or butt-shot could ever be. \n<\/p>\n


\n<\/a><\/p>\n

\nFast-forward to tonight, while I was wrestling with my lately spotty DSL connection and out of sheer annoyance at my disconnectivity I clicked on a streaming-audio link in an e-mail sent by Eric at planetconcrete.com.  There was reX, at radio.gaycams.com<\/a>.  I listened<\/a> to reX again.  I watched<\/a>.  And I read<\/a>. <\/p>\n

\nAnd I cried.  Because I’ve been at this<\/a> place before.  And I never finished crying from when I was in that same place, eight years ago, discovering that I was HIV positive, too. \n<\/p>\n

\nMaybe you never finish, maybe you never complete the task of working through a tragedy.  Maybe instead of crying as much as you could — which would take forever and certainly be enough tears to wash away all the dust from ground-zero — instead, you simply mark the dust with a thousand tears, and then you walk away.  They say that even a work of art is never truly finished, just abandoned. \n<\/p>\n

\nI love you reX, and I don’t care what anybody thinks of that.  I don’t even care if you don’t love me back the same way — which of course you don’t.  (If you do, I’ll be there within 24 hours.  <grin> ).  No, I love you because my love is — it has to be — unrequited.  It cannot safely exist otherwise.  It blooms in the space of your absence; it would wilt from shyness under the sheer intensity of your attention. \n<\/p>\n

\nThe truest work of our hearts is never finished, just abandoned…      <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

unfinished love I used to live at this site.  I watched his webcam day in and day out.  I was in love with him in the same way that I love the sexy boi’s I know I cannot have, the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[29,298,296,297],"class_list":["post-177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-dsl","tag-good-observer","tag-nightly-web-broadcast","tag-web-hosts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=177"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/burgwinkel.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}