this is me, and I don't care what they think." So said Tom from Boston on reX's rants tonight, and he called the "sensual beauty of a man... like a meditation." ReX's topic tonight was the joy of being gay.
I recall a time, in the late 70's, when I knelt by my bed and begged Christ to heal me, and make me straight. Thank God he knew better and left me gay. If any person saw the agony I was in, and had the power to make me straight, they would have done it, whether it was good for me or not. If human beings were all-powerful, and were aware of my anguish, they would have amputated the gay part of my soul in a heartbeat either out of compassion for me, or just so they wouldn't have to watch me suffer.
That would've been a mistake, and that's why us mere mortals don't have that kind of power.
i have loved many guys in my life; there was David A. when I was 9, and David F. when I was 16. I worshipped Jimmy (who I never even touched), and then—more cautiously—I switched from worship to flirtation, first with Don W., then with Don C. (who loved me more than I even noticed). I started to get serious again and fell—high-dived—for Bobby (my first love after I started to seriously come-out when I was 26, and I thought he'd be the only one). Bobby would not be the only one, and eventually Kenny appeared, cutting through the scars that Bobby left, and re-opening my heart. Kenny eventually left (is this a theme or what?) and I let some years go by. Finally I met Daniel. He's gone now, too, at my request. I hope I wasn't wrong.
Every one of these I loved, and though not all brought me to bed, at times each one brought me to tears. They still do. It seems to me that I'm no worse than any of the straights I see. And as for all the pain and struggles of growing-up gay; if avoiding it meant that I would lose even just a single moment with any one of these sweet men, then I would do it all again.
I have loved desperately, hungrily, passionately, and painfully; I have given of myself foolishly, lavishly, heartachingly, and tearfully. I have injured others painfully, and others have painfully injured me. I have held in my arms the one I love, until he fell asleep, and cried myself to sleep alone, when he was gone. And if I had the power, I would do it all again.
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