homesite just dumped my site. Homesite saved the file I was working on, like it is supposed to, and then it saved all the other files in that directory--only as zero length! So this page is being written in HTML-Kit. I may recount the nightmare I have been having with Homesite in a later journal entry. But that nightmare is over for now. There are others.
i am reading a very big book. It's 722 pages, but it delivers an even more enormous message.
you know, I heard of that in the distance in the past, and I dismissed it as wishful fantasy. But if you take the time to find out the facts--which I never did--then that big red conclusion is inevitable.
So now what? Party time? Hardly. There's just more to do now; I got to take care of myself. That's why I kept putting the book down. In the time since I bought it in September, I have stopped reading that book a dozen times. Every time I put it down, I just did not want to go back to it. It is saying something to me I just do NOT want to hear, but it is something I have always known.
No, I have not always known HIV was innocent--that's a brand new realization for me. And I have always known that doctors are mere mortals, capable of breathtaking incompetence, so that's not the unwelcome message this book brings to me. What this book says, which I have always known but denied, and am mightily resisting to hear confirmed, is that this is mine.
a long, long time ago I tested negative, and I did not want to get re-tested, because I didn't want the news. For a little while that worked. When eventually I did test positive, I took that news and gave it to my doctor and he was reassuring; my T-cell count was up and my viral load was down, and conventional wisdom says that's good. So I let my doctor take charge of it (because that's what everybody does) and that worked a little bit longer. But I never felt quite right about it; I was just letting them do whatever they wanted, neatly avoiding the need to decide what I wanted.
There's been only 20, maybe 30. You know, ...guys, some whose names I know, some I wish I knew. Looks funny right there in print. I always let myself believe those sources in the news who said AIDS was mostly the result of fantastic promiscuity. But come right down to it, I didn't get nearly as much as I blamed myself for. I almost noticed once or twice that the image of a gay HIV-at-risk sex-fiend, —an image I had adopted for myself— didn't quite match my Saturday nights. However, when you are trying to get through this life without making up your mind about anything, you really can't afford to disagree with anybody.
this is mine; the responsibility to decide who is right, and who is wrong. This is my body and blood. To my mind, there is overwhelming evidence that HIV is not the cause of this terror of the Eighties and Nineties, and therefore the toxic treatments to which I am subjecting myself have absolutely no counter-balancing benefit. However, standing up for that belief is going to put me in direct opposition to huge prevailing forces from both popular opinion and medical dogma. I don't know what I'll do, but this I have always known, and am mightily resisting to hear:
This is mine.
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