Where it leads
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

There is a woman sitting in the doorway at the back of the house directly opposite my kitchen window. She caught me staring through half opened blinds at her. It is after 6:00 PM, and I still had not changed from my bedclothes. Slowly, I closed the blinds.

Maybe someday I’ll know that this isolation is unhealthy. No. I know that already. Maybe someday I’ll know better than to accommodate this loneliness, maybe I’ll flee from this urge to isolate every time it returns, having learned, by then, where it inevitably leads. Assuming, that is, that I survive.

4 Responses to “Where it leads”

  1. dawaynewayne Says:

    So this is what i am drawn to. I have these same feelings. Being in bedclothes at 6pm. Total isolation once i leave work. It’s funny i found this last night. Today at 1pm I will meet with a psychologist for the first time. Well second time, but the one I went to last week didn’t do much listening and recommended i see this gay psychologist who’s number he found after rummaging through stuff for like ten minutes lol. This should be interesting.

  2. joe b Says:

    I am kind of lost on this myself. But it is beginning to appear to me that I am not as fucked up as I have guessed in the past. I’m starting to think that isolators (like us?) are really just a little enlightened, in touch with something that almost no one else is in touch with. This makes our interaction with others very frustrating and problematic. And so it is easier to just isolate.

    Not giving ourselves credit for being ‘a little enlightened’, we understandably blame ourselves, or label ourselves as depressed or asocial, and we seek all sorts of remedies/treatments which are designed by people who are not enlightened at all, for people who are not enlightened at all, and so it seldom works.

    How did the visit go? Is the 2nd psych enlightened, or at least optimistic?

  3. sshawnn Says:

    2nd one was a counselor. He gave me a used handout that had crayon writing on it. Nuff sed?
    I was sposed to go back today but didn’t. Asked primary doc if he had any one he could refer me to and he reminded me that i live in Hilo and my options are very limited.

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